


Coaster Bitch™

by ShinyWaffles



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Bad Puns, Crack, F/M, How Do I Tag, Ibuprofen, Why Did I Write This?, coasters - Freeform, how do write well, thats all this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 15:43:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11740122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinyWaffles/pseuds/ShinyWaffles
Summary: chat noir is a growing boyladybug is fed up with his bullshithawkmoth still wants that jewelrythis is a shitpost.





	Coaster Bitch™

**Author's Note:**

> This is a joke and is not meant to be taken seriously.

    Growing up is already difficult enough. Growing up while keeping the entirety of Paris safe? Impossible. It’s not like Chat Noir didn’t like being a superhero but there weren’t any guides to balancing Chemistry homework and kicking a grown man’s ass within a single day. No amount of binge reading comic books could prepare you for having to hide thousands of dollars worth of Camembert and not having your room reek of the stinky cheese for the rest of the week. 

 

    In all honesty, he’d much prefer the permanent stench of Camembert in his room than the issue he was currently experiencing. Chat Noir was supposed to be at patrol but was instead standing in front of a mirror and trying to find someway to remain modest. It’s not something you think about when jumping across rooftops, puberty. He’d clearly grown some in the lower department and while part of him was proud of his newly achieved length, the other part of him was considering hiding his face forever. Chat was desperately wishing that someone had written a guide to hiding your colossal dong while inside skin-tight leather. Well, perhaps colossal was a bit of an exaggeration but it was big enough to be noticeable to anyone who could see. 

 

    Hawkmoth didn’t care that he was having a wardrobe malfunction, he decided to send out an akuma in yet another attempt to steal jewelry from two teenagers. Chat Noir sighed and gave up on trying to rid himself of the rather sizeable bulge and headed on out, praying that luck would be on his side and nobody would notice.

 

-

 

    Ladybug had been waiting for Chat to arrive so they could begin patrol when the villain began to wreak havoc.  She groaned and swung off towards their newest opponent. It was an older woman with an apron on that slowly turned into a dress as it went down. A hair net was wrapped around her hair, tilted to the side slightly in some sort of fashion statement. As Ladybug was taking in the newest akuma’s hideous costume design, a coaster was thrown in her direction. She dodged the square pieces, watching as they embedded themselves in the brick wall behind her.

 

    “We give them coasters and they don’t use them! I’m sick of it, I am here to fix this epidemic. You can call me The Tegestologist!” The villain roared, only to continue in response to the heroine’s confused look. “The Tegestologist! Tegestology? You know, the collecting of coasters? Forget it, give me your earrings Ladybug!” The woman threw more of the coasters at Ladybug as the girl ran always one step ahead. 

 

    A sudden blur of black landed beside her and she turned her head to smile at him only to quickly notice the hero’s bulge. She was perplexed, rolling her eyes at him and giving his shoulder a punch. “Stuffing your suit isn’t going to impress me, Chat.” Ladybug explained, watching as Chat dodged a large coaster before he answered.

    “It’s not my fault that I am a growing guy!” Chat muttered out defensively, getting a laugh out of Ladybug. The akuma was clearly not happy at being ignored and shot a different kind of attack towards them. A circle of water surrounded them, the liquid quickly eating through the floor they were standing upon.

 

    They hastily jumped off, just barely making it off in time. “Learn how the tables feel when you fail to use a coaster!” The Tegestologist screamed, shooting several more of the circles in their direction.

 

    “So, I am guessing that the drinks are on you? Honestly, you are the coaster child of a shitty akuma. Get it? It kind of sounds like poster child?” Both Ladybug and the akuma booed him, causing him to roll his eyes. “Tough crowd! Ladybug, the coaster is clear to use your Lucky Charm!” After a quick eye roll, she nodded and called upon the charm. A spotted cold water bottle fell right into her awaiting hands. “The odds are stacked against you, Crazy Coaster Bitch ™ !” 

 

    “I wish there was someplace I could put this cold beverage! With no coaster around, I guess I will have to ruin this poor surface.” Ladybug dramatically spoke, though it was clearly working. The villain ran towards Ladybug and slammed the akumatized coaster onto the ground where she was about to place the drink. The heroine smirked and picked up the cork coaster and snapped it in half, letting out the butterfly. A quick cleansing and recharging later, the two of the heroes sat atop a random roof. 

 

-

 

“Seriously though, what’s with the tissue paper in your costume? It’s stupid, Chat.”

 

“It’s not tissue paper, it’s my baloney pony! My long dong. The Chat’s shaft.”

 

“That’s it, Hawkmoth can have my miraculous. I don’t have enough ibuprofen for this god damn bullshit.” She gives her miraculous to Hawkmoth and the purple suited jewelry hunter took over the world. The end.


End file.
